We lost one pillar out of 4

We lost Papajee (M’s Dad). Exactly 22 days after we met him last and returned from India, he left us. M is on board on flight back to India. While kids and I are struggling to manage grief and sorrow. Everyone will be there to bid goodbye to him except us. Our parents are our strength and we lost one of the pillar. The elder one is inconsolable while the younger one is numb.

Life is at a pause right now

The job hunt is very aggressive, but the market response is dormant. And every day, I feel so useless.

I have been working and a primary breadwinner for my family since last 20 years. At this point, M is earning fine, our home mortgage has been paid off, and we have some savings that can help us survive this downtime. I have to have some patience and mentally can not afford to go into the panic mode. But, this is something I have to force myself to do….every evening I tell myself that it’s fine and can happen to the best of people, and that there are so many things I am thankful about. Yet, it is not an easy time for me. The dilemma is that physically, I don’t think I have the strength to go back to working routine the way it was before. Then I think maybe I need to slow down…but how…children are growing and still we have so many responsibilities to fulfil. 😔

Talking of children. Elder one has lost 13 lgs since her surgery. She has lost loads of inches and looks so different now. Signs of PCOS seem to be decreasing now. The younger one has also lost weight. He is watching weight and diet and has lost quite some inches during the break. That leaves M and me. We have gained so much weight and are struggling so badly to lose some inches 🙃

Return to home and job hunt

We returned home in mid-January. From a foggy winter morning to a very hot, sunny afternoon the next day. And from that started a couple of weeks long extreme jet lag. Thankfully, this time, the air travel wasn’t that bad. I slept most of the time due to Diazepam given to me by the doctor.

As always, we returned with a heavy heart… not knowing who and whether we meet our parents next time. This time, M’s Dad really made us cry a lot. Our parents are slowly drifting away…we know that and we can’t do anything.

My job hunt has resumed. The market is very slow at the moment.

India trip – Last week

This trip has been quite adventurous. We had just recovered from elder one’s sickness when we decided to celebrate the younger one’s birthday at a hotel. It was a good party of around 55 people and we danced all the evening.

Next week, my younger one was irritating my mums pet dog and was severely bitten by him 🤷‍♀️😔😔. And then started a series of injections and post care. He had hardly recovered when he ate something from the street, and now, for the past 4 days, he is down with food poisoning. It has been hardly a vacation for me.

But I still choose to see the positives. The elder one is recovering and has lost around 9 kgs. She is doing OK. M has reconciled with his elder brother. We invited him over to the party, and he graced the occasion open heartedly. When he got a bit drunk, he confessed that he missed us all terribly 💕. Today, we are going over to his place for dinner.

Last 4 days, and my heart is heavy. Our parents are getting very old, and it would tear my heart apart to leave them behind. But my tears are only for me to know.

Fever scare followed by weakness

On our visit to M’s sister, my elder one who is already recuperating after a bariatic surgery contracted fever. The fever went really high, which she tus in panic mode. We rushed her to the hospital where surgery was performed. The surgeon saw her and checked whether the fever was due to any infection. It was not. It was a viral fever. But the fever was high. After 3 days and 2 nights, the fever subsided. Thankfully. But the fever has made her really weak. It pains my heart to see her like this. She has already lost some weight and is looking so good, but very pale.

Brother – sister bond

That’s always a sore point for me. I love my brother to the core of my heart. But he and M don’t get along  with him. This has always stressed me out.

Today, we are at M’s sister’s place, and my heart gets sad when I see their bond. His face is beaming, and his voice is so happy. Part of me thinks that he is able to enjoy this relationship as I have always been supportive of his relationship. I wonder if he could enjoy so much if I was sulking and hyper critical of their relationship. He always tests my loyalty and competes with my brother for my affection; not realising that both relationships are equally dear and how much stress it puts on me. I am never able to enjoy my stay with my parents freely as I feel that I am constantly scrutinised and judged.

My brother is also distant this time. I don’t know what his thought process is. But I have a little cry every time I am in the toilet. Hurt, but smiling for the world.

Meanwhile, the elder one is recovering. There are ups and downs. Today was a difficult day.

On way to Dera

The elder one is recovering well from her surgery. It will take some time for the trauma to settle down for me. It’s scary…putting your child’s life at risk. I chose this for better quality of her life, and I hope that it turns out to be so. But she is happy. She is still in pain, but she is very happy.

Today is full moon day, and we are going to our native place. A countryside/ village where our master (Gurujee) resided. As usual, we are late. But we had to complete a few chores before leaving.

One of the beautiful memories is getting Jaggery (Gud/ shakkar) from the roadside. Made from sugarcane, these stalls come up in winter that sell jaggery. Amazing.

We reached around 12:30. The Langar had already started. Met our sangat there. A day very well spent.

She is in pain…

Everyone in the ICU was moved when she cried this morning when she saw me. It is painful. They say key hole surgery is easy. It is not…the pain she has is immense. Especially in shoulders and stomach. She is unable to lie down. Tomorrow, hopefully, will be a better day.

That wait…

Elder one got bariatic surgery this morning. I have been crying since yesterday. She is right now in ICU, and man, she is giving a hard time to the doctors in the ICU.  Asking questions and complaining about pain. I almost see myself in her. While M had to be away….she asked for him. I am all by myself in the private room. I visit her every hour, but it’s difficult to see your child like that. I just want her to be fine. The wait is on.

India trip – Day 1

Day 1 – We reached home at 6 AM in the morning. By 10 AM, we were out on the roads – meeting M’s parents, going to local MC office (which was closed due to state government holiday), went to bank, got local SIM, go to eSpampark,etc. People here think its winters here…while I am feeling so hot. I feel nauseated when I see people in jackets and woollens. Pollution is putting so much pressure on my skin and eyes. 

The air travel was tough again. My headache started, but then I took Diazapam (that my local GP had prescribed).  I could sleep for some hours. The immigration procedure took very long, and we faced the usual taxi woes. At the moment, sitting in the car and waiting for M.

Such life in the market