Dil dhoonta hai…(Heart longs for…)

Today is one of those days when my heart longs for a lazy, free afternoon when I call my best friend that I am going over to her place. We sit together, eat, talk and laze around…have endless rounds of chai…go and get samosa. We used to meet everyday…yet we could chat for hours altogether. There were so many days like those…there were no family responsibilities and no worries. I miss her.

I am tired today…mentally and physically. For the past two evenings, the elder one is coming home late. I am almost sleep deprived. Yesterday, M threw a fit as he thinks she has made it a habit. There was an argument with her on phone as she wanted to stay in Uni even later and wanted to come on her own. I was so exhausted…usually I go to pick her up myself. Yesterday, I made him come along. Like why should I be the one to see her sulk. It was raining badly and then at 11:15, the moment she sat in the car, she adamantly said she wanted KFC. Like your mother is sleep deprived for two days and you now need KFC. I was almost close to tears. I know how difficult it was to get up this morning.

It’s a never ending longing…I will never ever meet anyone like her…will never ever get to spend time with her.

Migraine update

So, I have yet not told/ discussed with my family…but I think my migraine is getting a bit dormant now.

So in 2020, after I returned from India, I had been struggling with migraine a lot. It reached a peak and I opted for a daily medicine called Amitriptyline, which is a kind of an antidepressant. This medicine helped me sleep well. This medicine is known to cause weight gain as well…but had to take it. Endep, and working from home due to Covid, resulted in me getting 10 kgs heavier. And, despite that, I still got migraine. But I continued medicine as I got marginal relief. It continued well till mid 2021.

Since Oct 2021 (after 15 months), I started getting dry mouth. I thought it was onset of summers in Australia,but it continued. I tried to downplay it…but dry mouth got to the extent that I was having mints in the day, and having more than 1 litres water in the night. Yet I woke up with completely dry mouth like it had thorns. I struggled for an year, but did not want to leave/discontinue the medicine.

Last month, when my Mum/Dad were here, I decided I will discontinue the medicine. It was now getting to the point that I got depressed because of the side effects. I started reducing the dose and was off the medicine completely.

Off late…like in past 6 weeks I have been observing that I have less incidents of headache…like I had one incident of migraine when I had to have a painkiller and that too because I had infected sinus. I don’t want to jinx it and hence haven’t told that to M. But yes, definitely there has been an improvement.

Also I have started diet control now..like I have cut my daily intake by 30 percent. Lets hope discontinuing the medicine snd fasting helps me loose some inches.

We meet them…

We are planning to visit India. But like never before, this time we had a huge question of what to do with our sweetheart Charlie. I was sooooo worried that I did not even want to discuss the topic with the family. I knew the elder one would complicate things with her expectations from the Dog sitter; M would panic at the expense and the younger one would add no value to the conversation but would add more complexity to the Dog sitter choice.

We did not want to ask for a favour from our friend circle as we could not offer money. But at the same time wanted a loving family to care for Charlie.

I started praying…asking my Almighty to give a solution. I told him – see he is your dog. You sent him to us. So now you take care of him. You arrange for his stay. He is your responsibility, not ours.

Then one morning M said that his colleague’s family is a young family and they have recently lost their dog. I will ask if they want to dog sit and guess what they agreed.

We did the meet and greet this weekend. And they are perfect and perfect backyard. They lived Charlie and are already planning to have him. They just love him. I am so thankful to my Lord 🙏. I am satisfied.

I know leaving him behind will be painful…but I am happy that he will be in a loving home 💕

Is it shell, gol or gappe🤷‍♂️??

These days my entire family is down with sore throat and cold. After three days of struggling with extreme blocked nose and throat issues, I (like a true spirited North India) decided we will make Gol Gappe/ Panipuri on Thursday (a public holiday in Australia to remember the Queen). In North India, we call it Gol Gappe and that’s how we call it in our household.

I usually bring a large pack of Puri and then deep fry them to puff them up into crisp balls. M is responsible for spicy water. In addition to water ready to be used, he usually makes concentrate for that water as well,so that we can keep having them later.

The younger one particularly enjoyed the treat last evening. So the puffed balls were finished. Just before I am about to call it a day and switch off my bed side lamp, he comes into the room and hugs me. I was like…are you ok? He said, the empty shells are finished. Can you make some more so that I can have for breakfast? I was confused…asked what shells? He says..thise empty shells..don’t know what you call them when they are dry…gol or gappe…but can you please make them in the morning? For a minute, M and I really started thinking 🤔 😃😃

She endures first break-up

The elder one has broken up with her long distance boyfriend. 💔 Its been a month. Theirs was a 4 years old relationship- first 2 years of deep friendship which turned into love. But distances did all the damage.

She still breaks down sometimes. Talks about him in present tense and then realises. Yesterday, she took her first step towards moving on.She went on her first coffee date with someone. Though she quickly friend zoned him…but I am happy she is moving on.

R U Okay?

Australia is celebrating R U Okay? Day. Ironic. Why do we need to have this day?

Because – We often ask each other How are you? And we know the other person will say..fine, thank you. Irrespective of how lonely, sad that person is, they say they are good. And, we never pause to look in that person’s face, never try to read through words, never try to understand the tone…we are not taught how to? And, even if we were taught, we don’t have the time, space and energy. We have our own problems.

Sometimes it even happens in the families, friends and workplaces. Our living patterns are promoting loneliness, selfishness and individualism. In an attempt to protect our personal space, we don’t share our internal battles/ struggles with anyone…which makes us lonely.

Lets start talking to each other (and not about each other).

गुरु गुण लिखा न जाय॥

सब धरती कागज करूँ, लिखनी (लेखनी ) सब बनराय।
सात समुद्र की मसि करूँ, गुरु गुण लिखा न जाय॥

The glory of Guru cannot be written

Even if I collect all the paper of the earth bu using the wood of all the trees available in the forest, and make the ink from the water of the seven seas, even then I will not be able to summarise the glory of my Guru.

Vanished…

In 2020, my Ultrasound showed cyst in my uterus, which ultimately led to hysterectomy. That ultrasound also showed that there was a cyst in my left ovary. My surgeon still preferred to let the ovary inside.

Next few ultrasounds kept showing abnormal ovary size, which led me to a surgeon again. This time it was a public hospital. The surgeon told me that I will have to undergo another laproscopic procedure which will look into the ovary to see what’s wrong and also drain the cyst. I was so tensed. But then I left it on God. Whatever will my Lord order will be good for me.

Before the procedure, they asked to get the CT scan done. Not a very comfortable test. But then, they could not see any cyst. Yesterday my ultrasound was done again and guess what…no cyst found!!!

Thank God!!! I still have to hear back from the hospital, but I, for sure, will not get the procedure done.

Void and pain

Mum and Dad flew back home last week and since then everything is so silent and sad. Even Charlie, our dog, is so sad.

Mum has got really tiny…she has just shrunk. But she has the same zeal to take care of her children. She is so chirpy and involved. Papa has grown really old. It’s heart breaking. But I am so thankful to God that I was given this time. And I thank God that I am blessed with such loving parents. Both the kids cared a lot for their Nanu and Nani.

The void and pain is bad at the moment. Very lonely out here at the moment.

Trying to avoid the inevitable

For the past few years, I had stopped sharing details of my everyday struggle with my Mum and Dad. I feel they are at the last phase of their lives and I don’t want them to have a feeling that I am struggling. They should feel content that I am fine and happy in my life.

When they planned to come to Australia, I was praying to God that they shouldn’t witness a normal routine arguments of my household. M arguing with kids, kids within themselves, kids with me and all. Argument is like staple diet for us. But that’s not a normal for my parents. They never get into heated discussions. But we do.

But 2.5 months is a long time and they have already witnessed a couple of them. My Dad looks worried and my Mum also looks a bit sad. I know secretly they feel the pressure I am under…something my family does not realise. After all I am their flesh and blood…they would have pain for me. Why would anyone else have…