Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire … if you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something … for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times … during those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations … they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge… which will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes … they will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary … because it means you’ve given your all.

It’s easy to be thankful for the ‘good’ things … yet, a life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive … find a way to be thankful for your troubles and they can become your blessings.

Discovering a strong, sassy me

The new job is a hell hole. There is one person who has the project under her thumb and is a massive bully. The entire team is wary of her, but because she is source of project information, her tantrums are tolerated and pampered.

When I joined, my Mamager resigned the same week. He was just 3 months old in the project and so did another senior member who was just 4 weeks old. No one wants to stay here – each one wants to run, except her who is no less narcissistic and psycho like Hitler.

So they have made me the Manager and put me in a direct face-off with her. And I told M that day it becomes tough, I will resign. This decision has empowered me and I am now giving her complete competition. She hates me and today she threw a tantrum- something that appears childish in corporate world. This week I have won most of the rounds. We will see next week!!

Sombre morning thoughts

This morning, we realised that it’s almost a month when we lost Papajee. Time does travel fast…but right now, we are in denial. Mentally, we haven’t accepted the fact that he has left us.

There are so many thoughts, feelings that he took away with him. We will never know. Like some banking transactions he did right before going, which we don’t know why he did. But now, we all think that he had kept aside money for his funeral. He bought new pair of shoes a day before and donated his old pair to an old man in the local Gurudwara. That man was inconsolable when he heard of Papajee’s demise.

He was a much loved man in the local community. When the priests from the Gurudwara came over, upon knowing that Papajee passed away, they took all the responsibility of the funeral. Our Papajee was an active donor (money and effort) there and made daily contributions in the chores in Gurudwara (which we call Seva). He was so loved… a part of his life we will never know. So many people turned up on his funeral. There were strangers as well, but Papajee had made a difference to their lives.

It’s the same with all of us… isn’t it? There is a part of our life, thoughts that we take with us when we die. Our spouse, children, parents, and siblings will never know that part of us. What I share daily with my colleagues and friends will never be known to my family.

Grief comes in waves

I guess grief makes you bipolar. One minute, you feel you are okay, and the second minute, a memory hits you, and you are crying your heart out. I have seen some tough times with M, but I’ve never seen him so broken before. He has gotten insecure about his mum as well. And so have I, about his mum and my parents.

Insecurity is such that during the funeral days , my brother had a fever. So one day the phone rang and my younger one came rushing to my room. The moment he came to know that my brother, his Mamu, was better, he started crying. Said that phone ring makes him anxious.

I didn’t know that we loved him so much. Wish I told him. Hum sab ke Papajee…

New job and new phase of life

I think I am pretty brave. I cleared the interview – it was tough. The weather was warm, the room was small and hot, and the queries were never-ending. But I cleared it.

M will now be returning in three days’ time. I wish his journey is fine. Like I am getting so anxious these days. I joined the new job and it’s 5 days in office. No WFH. I guess that’s what I need, to get out of home every day to come out of my depression.

The elder one has lost around 15 kgs and she is happy. She looks like a different person now. The new job team members are also fine – I think I will survive here.

Put up a brave face…

Here I am… all decked up for an interview. I am waiting in the foyer for the interview. As usual, I arrived early and had 15 minutes before reporting my arrival. One thing I have learnt from life is that the show must go on.

I am trying to push my sadness behind. Whenever I close my eyes, I see Papajee smiling and very happy. There is a strange peace and calm on his face. I know these are my wishes manifesting in what I am seeing. It’s a terrible feeling…

Goodbyes are so tough…

Saying goodbyes are tough…especially when you know you won’t ever see that person again. It is tougher when that person is family, your parent and the worst when you can’t be there. It’s a torment. What my kids and I have gone through the last three days is nothing less than a mental torture. Yesterday, was the funeral. M made sure we could have a last look at Papajee’s face and we could see the last rites. But I know how much we cried. How can it possibly hurt so much? We are mourning every moment…while they all are together holding each other, we are silently holding ourselves.

This time when I visited India, I had prayed to Maharajjee that now that time (when our parents will leave) is approaching, please hold their hands so that they are not scared, not in pain and they pass away peacefully. I did not know it would happen so soon. But my wish was granted for Papajee. He went away very clean, peacefully. I thank my almighty 🙏.

We lost one pillar out of 4

We lost Papajee (M’s Dad). Exactly 22 days after we met him last and returned from India, he left us. M is on board on flight back to India. While kids and I are struggling to manage grief and sorrow. Everyone will be there to bid goodbye to him except us. Our parents are our strength and we lost one of the pillar. The elder one is inconsolable while the younger one is numb.

Life is at a pause right now

The job hunt is very aggressive, but the market response is dormant. And every day, I feel so useless.

I have been working and a primary breadwinner for my family since last 20 years. At this point, M is earning fine, our home mortgage has been paid off, and we have some savings that can help us survive this downtime. I have to have some patience and mentally can not afford to go into the panic mode. But, this is something I have to force myself to do….every evening I tell myself that it’s fine and can happen to the best of people, and that there are so many things I am thankful about. Yet, it is not an easy time for me. The dilemma is that physically, I don’t think I have the strength to go back to working routine the way it was before. Then I think maybe I need to slow down…but how…children are growing and still we have so many responsibilities to fulfil. 😔

Talking of children. Elder one has lost 13 lgs since her surgery. She has lost loads of inches and looks so different now. Signs of PCOS seem to be decreasing now. The younger one has also lost weight. He is watching weight and diet and has lost quite some inches during the break. That leaves M and me. We have gained so much weight and are struggling so badly to lose some inches 🙃

Return to home and job hunt

We returned home in mid-January. From a foggy winter morning to a very hot, sunny afternoon the next day. And from that started a couple of weeks long extreme jet lag. Thankfully, this time, the air travel wasn’t that bad. I slept most of the time due to Diazepam given to me by the doctor.

As always, we returned with a heavy heart… not knowing who and whether we meet our parents next time. This time, M’s Dad really made us cry a lot. Our parents are slowly drifting away…we know that and we can’t do anything.

My job hunt has resumed. The market is very slow at the moment.